What we see vs. what we feel
You're doing the things people dream about, Kaiya.
I was catching up with a friend on the phone recently and he said that to me after I told him about launching my website and getting two new clients from Yelp all within the span of a week. This friend met me in Richmond, VA in a really dark time in my life and saw me go through my gypsy phase and now, settled in Brooklyn doing the thing I love for my work. I guess that all does sound pretty amazing!!! It's funny to look at life from the outside, without the filter of our own inner monologue.
What the world sees: Kaiya sent out a newsletter, launched a new website, is living in NYC, seems to be doing well but things are busy so no time to catch up with her, but she seems great!
What I see: I poured thousands of hours and dollars into rebranding, figuring out my voice, my mission, my work itself and published it with pretty minimal traffic... Spent a week fixing the bugs and ironing out the details while stressing out over the 1000 things I wanted to get done to grow more and get people booking. I said yes to too many projects last month so I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed this month and OH YAY 2 NEW CLIENTS! Dang, they didn't book a package, hmm I hope someone books a session wow I don't have time for anything I just want to sleep.. living in NYC is hard I have no money I'm completely out of food and leaving my house to go to the store is just too much but all I talk about is self-care so maybe I should get better at that... Not to mention the CRAZY astral weather, eclipse seasons and intense moons that are shifting so much within me, releasing ancestral patterns and behaviors, discovering healthy boundaries by playing with dangerous ones, learning how to communicate during a mercury retrograde.... etc. etc. etc.
It's so funny the way we filter our lives.
This is a naturally occurring thing. We like to share the good stuff. It's hard to share the bad stuff. Our hardships don't roll off the tongue as easily as the wins...
I get to pick up my CSA veggies tomorrow! I love fresh veggies, I can't wait to have a garden. Ooh let's host a vegan friendsgiving!
I got triggered the other night, back to that time I felt powerless hooking up with a guy, we were drunk, and he was so strong and wouldn't let go of me, even though I kept telling him no. I worked through it with a friend though, and I feel a lot better.
What is more comfortable to talk about?
What needs to be talked about more?
Leaning into discomfort and losing the facade of the pretty perfect squares we present our lives in is a constant battle for me, especially as a business owner. I have .4 seconds for someone to decide if they like my feed, which could lead to a new follower which would lead to a new client which is my livelihood. But I want to be real and honest and transparent about the gnarly stuff that I LIVE which fuels my desire to work in the healing arts. I have trauma. I have depression + anxiety. I have lived a thousand lives and am healing all the bits and pieces of them that hurt me, that I probably haven't shared with most people. I'm still making mistakes because I'm trying to live my life fully and that's really messy. The decision on what to portray to the world with every post is a decision between showing the light or the dark, playful or passionate, funny or deep. It is a constant battle in my brain every time I go to speak.
I lived a life where I presented everything as perfect and it was a little creepy, despite being dishonest and a horrible lie to keep up for a long time. My subtle language and cries for help were hidden in gorgeous light-filled instagrams of beaches and brunch and girlfriends dates and blog posts of my sunny California life and gorgeous photography and no one noticed because I crafted a beautiful lie. I didn't know how to use my voice to ask for help. I didn't know I needed help. I just kept hustling and trying to be perfect like everyone else around me until it came crashing down and my body forced me stop because it stopped working. I was sick in body, and in mind and it finally became time to fix it.
The medicine we need mosts finds us even when we're not looking for it. For me, its the idea of self-love, empowering myself as a woman and finding strength in building my boundaries and speaking my truth through a host of medicinal channels: meditation, journaling, subtle bodywork, sisterhood, food as medicine, astral insights, and trial and error that heals me the most.
There's no magic pill. Ignoring the pain and uncomfortable parts of life won't heal us, it just makes it worse for later on, when our mindbody refuses to let us ignore it anymore (hello chronic pain/illness!) Showing the pretty side while we're hurting desperately on the inside simply because we don't know how to ask for help, can't make ourselves cry or don't even know where to begin is the worst kind of double edged sword to be under. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't found my healer + teacher who helped me transform my life, and then a group of amazing girlfriends who listened to my late night ramblings of trying to figure out my inner child, why my relationship was failing, why I couldn't love myself even though I wanted to so badly.
So... I became that healer for other women. You could say my job is bodywork to help release trauma, but that's not my work. My work is to hold space. To listen neutrally. To give you permission to feel everything and release everything you don't need. To guide you through all of that as someone who knows what it's like.