Privacy Policy

Props to you if you're actually reading this. With all the buzz about GDPR I'm obliged to tell you how I'm using your data and let you know that you can have it all deleted at any point and stuff. The whole process is honestly so confusing and I don't really know where to start so I scrapped my old privacy policy that I bought online for $8 and am stepping into the next wave with this easy to read and laugh at privacy policy from Writer's HQ. I legit copied and pasted it BUT THEN I adapted it to my business specially for you and they asked me to say this at the top so you know that this was not my brainchild:

"With thanks to Writers’ HQ, our supreme writing commanders, glorious leaders and excellent but tiny overlords, who have verily granted us permission to use their splendid and sweary Privacy Policy.” GO READ THEIR'S ITS HILARIOUS!


  1. TLDR [Too long, didn't read]

    I'm a tiny one-woman crafty healing business and I don’t have the time or energy to do all the things I want to be doing with my time let alone do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that I'm not evil – we all have shadows we gotta deal with – I'm just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity while also giving my cat enough attention so that he doesn't punch me with his head asking for pets.

    I collect and store the info I need to provide you with the services you buy from me. I occasionally stalk you via Facebook and Instagram ads. That’s really it.


    Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does besides the kind you eat? Well then. Yes, I use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. No, I don't know anything else about them. If you don’t want my delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to me when nothing does what it’s supposed to because lord knows I don't know how to fix that. If you DO want some dope-ass gluten-free chocolate chip cookies from scratch though, definitely get in touch with me 'cause I loooooove baking and I've had that recipe memorized since I was like 9. Thanks mom!

  3. LET ME STAAAALLLLK YOU. love you. I meant love you --lyrics adapted from Justin Bieber.

    Look, I'm following you, ok? I use Google Analytics sometimes, primarily to stare at the real time stats because if people actually look at stuff its like getting a gold star on a project in kindergarten and I feel all accomplished and stuff but also I use Analytics sometimes to see what stuff people are looking at so I can write more of the stuff you like. But like.. self-esteem is real and I usually avoid looking at statistics because I'm a fragile snowflake millennial that just hopes the Universe will take care of my analytics instead of me having to do it.

    I also have the Facebook Pixel installed  because my business coaches told me to do it so that I can sell you stuff. Yes you heard it. I am a business and – shocker – I want you to spend money buying my things and services! The Facebook Pixel means that I can see how people interact with my site and with Facebook ads and stuff and then I try to creepily show you relevant stuff. If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central but once again-- God help us all if you want me to explain what anything means or how to use it. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody well done but the pixel is tracking you anyway. Big Brother is watching.

    Don’t know if there’s a specific Facebook Pixel blocking thing but apparently if you use Freedom app to block social media while you’re working it also blocks the FB pixel. Handy hints!

    None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that I’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE GETTING A MASSAGE.

  4. DATA!

    DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-ton of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. I store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?

    Acuity! If you book a session on this site, buy a package, series or gift certificate, or register for an event that I'll post randomly and not regularly I will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from me I will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it up, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. I obvs go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only I have access to it. No one else. No one knows the password to my computer and my boyfriend only sometimes remembers my phone passcode so he can change the music playing because he hates it but he would have no idea where to login to my work stuff or what the password is to find the info because I like REALLY WEIRD PASSWORDS! 

    I do ask a lot of personal questions about your health, goals and like what's going on in your life in your health intake and during our sessions because the work I do deals with all of that pretty intimately and it helps me do my job better.  You're probably coming to me to clear some ancestral shit, let go of your weird habits and get in a new groove and SERIOUSLY get seriously serious about your self-care practice.. which means we talk about personal things like poop, and sex and early childhood trauma. I'm a bad therapist and don't really take notes ever (unless you tell me you really really like a certain move or say cool things like "You're like a cat and you made me feel like a cat!"** I write that stuff down because, duh it's cool.) So yeah sometimes I write down relevant things but they're all kept under lock and key. I actually read through all of Acuity's GDPR crap so I knew for sure for sure your stuff was safe. So we're cool.

    ** that's a real quote from a real client after a real session but I'm not going to tell you who because PRIVACY! #inception oooooooooh

    I'll be honest: I do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. I should use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like, but that's so far down on my list of things to do I didn't even write it down. Butttt for example if you buy a self-care series or package I may occasionally ask you if you want to do another. If I ever do a retreat or workshop and you’ve come to it, I will likely ask you if you want to do another one. Does that make me EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?

    Mailchimp! If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on my site – newsletter, free guide, paid course, membership, gifts, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system we use to manage our newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.


    When you buy stuff, your payment goes through Stripe. The only payment-based details I hold on my site is how much you’ve spent and whether you paid in full or just a deposit. I have no bank or card details or nada here. Stripe is GDPR compliant. This means if you want to re-up your series you actually have to give me your payment info all over again because I can't access it. That makes you feel good, doesn't it?!

    Side note that makes me feel good about not using it...PayPal is being totally weird about it but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that. 


    If you sign up to my newsletter, I will send you a newsletter – I will say once a month but let's be real it's more like once every 2 months but occasionally more if there is more interesting stuff to tell you. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.

    If you sign up for a course, I will send you emails about the course. The frequency of which depends on the course. You can unsubscribe but you’ll miss important stuff about the course. I haven't got any courses for you to sign up for at the moment, but when I do that, this will go into effect so I'm just leaving it here right now because I'm lazy and don't want to have to update this thing any time soon. 

    Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link I KNOW. If you open an email I KNOW. If you ignore me reminding you to drink water after your session I KNOW.

    The most important thing about this is I have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.


    FINE FUCK OFF THEN I DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck an email to and I'll delete all the info I have on you from my systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what I could have possibly done wrong. I'll try not to take it personally but DON'T YOU KNOW I'M A PISCES so I'll probably be real pissed for like 10 whole minutes.

    This does not include Stripe. If you want to delete your Stripe accounts you have to do that yourself via Stripe. I cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.


    I use social media a lot, partly to promote services and educate the world on what I do but mostly as a vehicle for my need to write about weirdly personally stuff without the work of making it into a blog post. If you find me on Facebook we might become friends but that platform is all that is not right with the world so I check that account less than I floss my teeth. If you follow me on Instagram, I might follow you back. You can ask me to be less friendly if you wish and I will of course respect your boundaries.  

    You are not required to follow my social media accounts but like, it would be really cool if you did.


You read it. Good job! Your prize is knowing that I updated this on May 25th, 2018 (the day the GDPR law goes into effect BECAUSE I'M NOT A PROCRASTINATOR OR ANYTHING). ok byeeeeeee.